boo

halloween..... um yeah, pretty much rocked hardcore ballz. I managed to pull off pc9k, which probably isn't something to be proud of. Oh well, it was entertaining to play the part.

got to hang out with someone who I've come to be good friends with. It's strange how a relationship can change over such little time and be completely transformed. About 14 or 15 months ago, we shared many things together, experiences, memories, emotions, our lives. Then (we both realized it at some point, but unfortunately for her, I realized it first) we realized things just weren't working out. We weren't as happy with the relationship anymore and things had kind of fizzled out. So, we broke up, devastated both of us, her at first then it caught up to me. It was a rough time, she moved into a couple relationships that didn't work out and I sulked, lived my days in anger, not moving on with life. Then I got into a relationship that didn't work out. Nowadays, I'm living the life of a single man and she's in a relationship that seems to be working out well for her. There's a part of me that Sami still has that I don't want back, can't take back, and don't need back. It's just there, I gave a lot of me to her, some of it just remained permanent, and that's okay. But, when I talk to her and hang out with her, that part will be there. That part doesn't really do anything in particular except say "you remember this? man, what crazy times those were." And, it just makes me happy. When I was acting like a pissed off emo kid, I never thought I'd see the day that I would be friends with her and be glad that was where we were at with our relationship.

but, as a single man, I can't help but prowl around. I see cute, cool-looking women everyday, but I don't ever build up the courage of talking to them. I sometimes worry if I'm at all their type, I make assumptions. I assume that as far as college guys goes, they will be looking for a guy who's at least 6 feet tall, looks handsome, and other qualities I just don't have. I don't think I'm a bad-looking guy, I'm just totally out of shape and lack confidence to approach and talk to women. I think I need some help on this one. Either someone can talk to someone for me or I can just get some pointers. I wanna be in a healthy shape, but that kinda tough when I work 30 hours a week and do 13 hours of classes each week. I mean, it's clear that I have the time to do it, it's just that I value my free time to relax and value time with my friends.

My priorities need to shift, that much is clear. Less xbox, more crunches. I know the solution to the problem, it's just enacting that solution is what I need to do.

This is too long, goodbye.

Back...

Songs associated with the word....

Back in the Saddle

Back in Black

Baby got Back

send your text to xx-xxx with your song choice now!

dooo doo dee doo doo deee diddle doo doo doo doo doo doo bada!!!!

Thank you, you have chosen...............

to read this much of the post, might as well finish it.

Like any life, mine has behind it lots of debris and garbage that has just resulted from my interactions with the experiences in life. I get shit on, everyone does, that's life. You roll with the punches, and if you respect yourself, you stand up for yourself. I understand that there are some who are unable to grasp this concept of just dealing with shit by themselves. You know, the whole "I've gotten myself into this shit, I can get myself out" is just an attitude that has become a portion of that debris and garbage left behind the sometimes reckless path our beloved United States of America travels on.

Okay, everyone caught up? good.

I'm moving forward, a direction that has been difficult for me to move in at times in the past. There have been occasions in which I have been desperately trying to move forward, but someone or something has pulled me back, and I relapse on whatever has happened. In my most recent encounter of this, ridding myself of the problem was the solution to it. Excellent, now I can live again. I should no longer be given a reason to reflect on anything in the past, right?

My motion forward means I would like to date again, though I need to tread much, much lighter than I did last time. I have to take my time with things, and that would help me to make a wise decision about a mate. I am not too many years away from being at a reasonable age to have a soul mate. If I find her, I will obviously seize the opportunity and embrace it with all I have to give. For now, I just kind of hope that whatever is meant to happen does. Because, despite the bad times of my life and the shit that happens, it will all lead me to happiness one day. And if the shitty stuff from my life didn't happen, causing me to not find a happy life one day, then I am okay with that bull shit happening. But, I wish it would just go away, the current situation has been pretty dormant for a while now and I'm glad. I just hope it stays that way.

Though everyone knows what I'm referring to, please don't perpetuate anything, this was not meant to rock the boat in any way, shape or form.

Pissed offffffffff

I really hate what college is doing to my psyche, I mean, seriously. I know that programming is incredibly tedious and stuff, but how the fuck am I clueless? I mean, it's soooooo easy to say that my professor has been teaching at a pace above my learning ability, which is true, but it puts blame away from me. And I wonder, how could I have screwed this up? I mean, I take all the notes and I try to keep track of what he says, but I'm not fantastic at either of those. Youtube shows me how to do basic programming that would be a great starting point, but he expects a helluva lot more than what Youtube shows me. I mean, calculus is only going better because I'm receiving a shit-ton of extra-credit opportunities. I personally feel like he's got quite a few people failing his class and he doesn't want that to happen. Which is why reading a 300 page novel (or at least telling him I did) will get me a few test points. And why doing simple bull-shit could get me more than 200% on a homework assignment. Boy, I look forward to calc 2 when I didn't learn enough in calc 1 because I received a passing grade, and didn't EARN it.

Why in the hell is CMT showing Christmas Vacation? I don't want to see it too much, then I won't want to watch it when Christmas 2010 rolls around, jeesh.

Good to see that I follow my own blog, wish I knew how that happened. What the fuck would happen if I blocked me? Would I be trapped outside of my own blog? I mean, it's not like I could log in to my own blog which I am blocked from and can't see at all and unblock myself, I'm blocked! Lol, I just won't try it, that' s a good idea.

If all this Computer Science stuff doesn't work out, I have no idea what I will do instead. Maybe Computer Information Systems, though that's a little closer to a business degree than I prefer. I'm not a fan of business by any means, though I have heard it's an easier route than CSC. I've considered Philosophy, but there are a few problems with that.
a) I would have to get a Phd and teach it at a University because there are virtually no jobs available for it, which could be cool, cuz I'd be a badass professor.
b) I've only been in one class, I don't know what the whole degree program is like.
c) I have to have a minor, any kind is okay. Maybe computer science, information systems, or maybe even music. Who the hell knows?

Gotta love Valentine's Day, or at least that time of year. It's bringing back memories and stuff, and I'm thinking of her a little bit, too. I think I'm at the point where the only way I'll be able to truly befriend her and say "I'm happy for you" and all that is if I find happiness. And, I think I'm ready now. I've got a couple of options, I've just gotta man up and talk to a few women. I could say hi to that cute blond clarinet girl in band, but that would be a little close to deja vu, I suppose. Though they look SUPER different otherwise, especially the height, lol. Then there's the oboe player, but idk about her. There's the cute girl who sits next to me in calculus, I finally talked to her today..... about homework. Idk, she's smart and super quiet, but I know absolutely nothing about her. I just need to man up and start talking to these chicks, I've proven to myself that I can face rejection just fine and actually look at it in a comical way. So, what the hell am I afraid of?

There's also that one red-headed girl Skyler is supposed to talk to for me. I trust his judgment that she's a "looker" I just hope she has no other attributes that rhyme with that one. Like hooker, or something else bad, idk. Most of the girls on the dating sites are insane or just not interested, which confuses me. I wonder if it's some women's crazy preferences on the height of their man. If that's one of the biggest things holding me back, then I'm fucked and need to be less picky about chicks, lol. I guess all some girls see is the 5'5" on my profile or they may see "spontaneous, ambitious, or tries to be life of the party" Oh, wait, those are desirable qualities, maybe they see my slight belly. Holy shit, it's going away, I promise. I am more motivated to work out with someone I know who is at my approximate fitness level. Working out with friends or if I had a girlfriend who wanted to would get me into the habit. Hell, I'd like to have someone to swim with, I want to do that SOOOO bad again.

I should stop, people are probably going to fall asleep reading all this crap, lol. Anyway, I'll probably write up another one here in a month or so, lol

Doing things differently

Today, has been a fantastic day for me.

In the past few weeks, I have been doing all I can to try and move past Sami. I have been thinking about the bad and the things that make me not want to go back to her. Maybe I was afraid of that, idk.

What many of you may not know is that I was so confused as to how to handle my break-up and why I wasn't moving on yet, so I contacted a counselor. Many feel that seeking counsel is a sign of weakness, but I can assure you that it is the opposite. I learned today that my actions of posting my anger, sadness, and confusion is actually worsening the problem within myself.

The blog I posted the other night didn't make me vent, but it actually fueled my scorn for the way things turned out.

I have been encouraged to think positively and say things like "I am going to be healthy after this" or "I am making new friends, and I'm ready to live the life I didn't allow myself to live before." These things say nothing about the way things turned out or how it happened, but rather that the future holds beautiful things in store because of it.

These past three months, I have been looking for support and sympathy rather than looking for healing. I felt like so many people looked at Sami as a victim and at me as a "jerk" that I felt like the "truth" needed to be exposed. But, the whole point of healing is to not get hung up on the issue and to live life as I think I should.

My behavior this past week has been "toxic." Those who read it feel what I feel and think the things I think. Which, I can assure you isn't healthy. I find it frustrating that I would do something that irrational and not realize it, but I did.

So, I apologize to Sami and the Peterson family, Kayla, Lindsey, and James. I have successfully infected some kind of scornful poison into you if you have read it, and for that I apologize and I can promise you that my hateful process is over. Things will be different from now on, I promise.

Apologies deserved

As you may know, my relationship made me do some things I completely regret. So here's an apology to those I KNOW I have wronged in all of this.

Cullen: I know I already mentioned this to you, but you were right. I let that "relationship" consume my life and I let A LOT of time with you and everybody else slip away. I am sorry, Cullen, and thank you for still being a friend of mine.

Chris: I don't think you're a follower of my blog, but I hope you read this anyway. There was one MAJOR incident I need to apologize for. I know there was one time we were supposed to play games at Rusty's one night. It would've been bad if I had just not shown up, but what I did was worse, I think. I left his house after probably TEN MINUTES. Looking back, I think, what a dick move on my part. So, I'm sorry for that and anything else, Chris. And thank you for being a friend of mine, even after the shit I did.

ALL: I apologize to all my friends who may have wanted me to spend time with them when I let my relationship get in the way. If you can think of something specific and you want to tell me about it and/or want an apology for it, please do so. Thank you all who stuck out a friendship with me when I didn't deserve you guys as friends. I am a smarter man now and I PROMISE that IF I get into another relationship, I won't let it get in the way of any of you guys.

To those of you who follow me who think someone who doesn't follow me deserves to read this, make sure they do so. I want to make sure they understand how badly I feel about what I've done.

Thank you, guys.

WHAT?!?! A POST!?!?

Let's see, I'm bored and I haven't used this whole blogger thing in a while. So, let's blog away!

Wow, what a summer it has been, kind of boring, actually. I've been working and doing virtually nothing else.

I'm excited about college, I think it'll be insanely fun. Not only that, I get to learn about what I WANT to learn about, what a concept!

I really do hope I get an opportunity to see all my friends who are leaving before they DO leave. That would be really nice, if it doesn't happen, then so be it. I think all paths will cross again someday, one way or another...... great now that song is stuck in my head by freakin Blondie.... I think that's who sings it.

I can't wait to see football games this year. Not only do I get to hear the band do well with Mr. Knupps and the new freshman, but I also get to see a football team that is HOPEFULLY mentally capable of beating Parkview..... And to top it off, I get to hear Theo suck!!!!!! Life is good. :)

I really wish some more people would follow me on this blog. Chris and Ross are the ones I'm mainly talking to/about. I'm not really bothered if they don't wanna, I just hope they know I at least HAVE one, lol.

So, I better end this before I write an essay, no one wants to read THAT much.

Peace out, people.
Jesse

12:37 am

Life's many pains

I have a horrible headache right now

maybe it's because I played that polygon game for almost two hours.

that's probably it


The vacation was really nice, I really liked all the rides I did

Thanks Cullen for the recommendation, it was an awesome park. I don't check my blog that often, but I feel for you, man. I first saw Tipper a long time ago, and seeing her less than a month ago was great. It had been a while since I had seen her. It brought me right back to middle school, those were good times. I love that dog, not even ten percent of how much you love her and I'm sitting here getting all choked up about God wanting her. I love Tipper and I love you, man. I'll pray for her, you, and your family.

ugh, in other news......

I have to work tomorrow, but I get to see The Hangover with "the gang" if that's what you can call them.

:)