In the past few weeks, I have been doing all I can to try and move past Sami. I have been thinking about the bad and the things that make me not want to go back to her. Maybe I was afraid of that, idk.
What many of you may not know is that I was so confused as to how to handle my break-up and why I wasn't moving on yet, so I contacted a counselor. Many feel that seeking counsel is a sign of weakness, but I can assure you that it is the opposite. I learned today that my actions of posting my anger, sadness, and confusion is actually worsening the problem within myself.
The blog I posted the other night didn't make me vent, but it actually fueled my scorn for the way things turned out.
I have been encouraged to think positively and say things like "I am going to be healthy after this" or "I am making new friends, and I'm ready to live the life I didn't allow myself to live before." These things say nothing about the way things turned out or how it happened, but rather that the future holds beautiful things in store because of it.
These past three months, I have been looking for support and sympathy rather than looking for healing. I felt like so many people looked at Sami as a victim and at me as a "jerk" that I felt like the "truth" needed to be exposed. But, the whole point of healing is to not get hung up on the issue and to live life as I think I should.
My behavior this past week has been "toxic." Those who read it feel what I feel and think the things I think. Which, I can assure you isn't healthy. I find it frustrating that I would do something that irrational and not realize it, but I did.
So, I apologize to Sami and the Peterson family, Kayla, Lindsey, and James. I have successfully infected some kind of scornful poison into you if you have read it, and for that I apologize and I can promise you that my hateful process is over. Things will be different from now on, I promise.
