Doing things differently

Today, has been a fantastic day for me.

In the past few weeks, I have been doing all I can to try and move past Sami. I have been thinking about the bad and the things that make me not want to go back to her. Maybe I was afraid of that, idk.

What many of you may not know is that I was so confused as to how to handle my break-up and why I wasn't moving on yet, so I contacted a counselor. Many feel that seeking counsel is a sign of weakness, but I can assure you that it is the opposite. I learned today that my actions of posting my anger, sadness, and confusion is actually worsening the problem within myself.

The blog I posted the other night didn't make me vent, but it actually fueled my scorn for the way things turned out.

I have been encouraged to think positively and say things like "I am going to be healthy after this" or "I am making new friends, and I'm ready to live the life I didn't allow myself to live before." These things say nothing about the way things turned out or how it happened, but rather that the future holds beautiful things in store because of it.

These past three months, I have been looking for support and sympathy rather than looking for healing. I felt like so many people looked at Sami as a victim and at me as a "jerk" that I felt like the "truth" needed to be exposed. But, the whole point of healing is to not get hung up on the issue and to live life as I think I should.

My behavior this past week has been "toxic." Those who read it feel what I feel and think the things I think. Which, I can assure you isn't healthy. I find it frustrating that I would do something that irrational and not realize it, but I did.

So, I apologize to Sami and the Peterson family, Kayla, Lindsey, and James. I have successfully infected some kind of scornful poison into you if you have read it, and for that I apologize and I can promise you that my hateful process is over. Things will be different from now on, I promise.

Apologies deserved

As you may know, my relationship made me do some things I completely regret. So here's an apology to those I KNOW I have wronged in all of this.

Cullen: I know I already mentioned this to you, but you were right. I let that "relationship" consume my life and I let A LOT of time with you and everybody else slip away. I am sorry, Cullen, and thank you for still being a friend of mine.

Chris: I don't think you're a follower of my blog, but I hope you read this anyway. There was one MAJOR incident I need to apologize for. I know there was one time we were supposed to play games at Rusty's one night. It would've been bad if I had just not shown up, but what I did was worse, I think. I left his house after probably TEN MINUTES. Looking back, I think, what a dick move on my part. So, I'm sorry for that and anything else, Chris. And thank you for being a friend of mine, even after the shit I did.

ALL: I apologize to all my friends who may have wanted me to spend time with them when I let my relationship get in the way. If you can think of something specific and you want to tell me about it and/or want an apology for it, please do so. Thank you all who stuck out a friendship with me when I didn't deserve you guys as friends. I am a smarter man now and I PROMISE that IF I get into another relationship, I won't let it get in the way of any of you guys.

To those of you who follow me who think someone who doesn't follow me deserves to read this, make sure they do so. I want to make sure they understand how badly I feel about what I've done.

Thank you, guys.

WHAT?!?! A POST!?!?

Let's see, I'm bored and I haven't used this whole blogger thing in a while. So, let's blog away!

Wow, what a summer it has been, kind of boring, actually. I've been working and doing virtually nothing else.

I'm excited about college, I think it'll be insanely fun. Not only that, I get to learn about what I WANT to learn about, what a concept!

I really do hope I get an opportunity to see all my friends who are leaving before they DO leave. That would be really nice, if it doesn't happen, then so be it. I think all paths will cross again someday, one way or another...... great now that song is stuck in my head by freakin Blondie.... I think that's who sings it.

I can't wait to see football games this year. Not only do I get to hear the band do well with Mr. Knupps and the new freshman, but I also get to see a football team that is HOPEFULLY mentally capable of beating Parkview..... And to top it off, I get to hear Theo suck!!!!!! Life is good. :)

I really wish some more people would follow me on this blog. Chris and Ross are the ones I'm mainly talking to/about. I'm not really bothered if they don't wanna, I just hope they know I at least HAVE one, lol.

So, I better end this before I write an essay, no one wants to read THAT much.

Peace out, people.
Jesse

12:37 am

Life's many pains

I have a horrible headache right now

maybe it's because I played that polygon game for almost two hours.

that's probably it


The vacation was really nice, I really liked all the rides I did

Thanks Cullen for the recommendation, it was an awesome park. I don't check my blog that often, but I feel for you, man. I first saw Tipper a long time ago, and seeing her less than a month ago was great. It had been a while since I had seen her. It brought me right back to middle school, those were good times. I love that dog, not even ten percent of how much you love her and I'm sitting here getting all choked up about God wanting her. I love Tipper and I love you, man. I'll pray for her, you, and your family.

ugh, in other news......

I have to work tomorrow, but I get to see The Hangover with "the gang" if that's what you can call them.

:)

bored...

yep, pretty bored right now

my legs still hurt

they feel better, though

yesterday was really fun, except I got cold, wet, chaffed, and muscle soreness....

the fun covered it, though

it was strange to ride home alone with someone I thought hated me this whole year. It was a little awkward, but mostly ok. Just really really quiet drive home. Ended on an ok note, too, that's a good thing.

la la la, still bored.....

:)

Just my luck...

So, I go through one of the last opportunities to hang out with some of my friends... feeling like shit. Cut and dry.
Oh well, I'll see some of you guys for years even beyond this summer. I can't wait for the memories that are to still be made.

For those of you who are going to go somewhere else, don't be strangers. I'm sure our paths will cross and we'll meet face to face once again. That I have great confidence in. :D

But, all you guys, I love you.... You have been in my life for at least four years ( some two, blah blah), some of you WAY longer. The memories that I have of you guys bring me laughter and tears of joy on days like today.

Nonetheless, I was pretty sick today, even though it was a good day. I feel like I should be with a lot of you guys. But my body just can't take anymore abuse today.

I'll see some of you at SDC, that'll be awesome.

Give me a call or text if you feel like doing something.

Peace, love, and happiness to all of you.
Hopefully friends forever,
Jesse Johnson

Tonight...

Band Banquet.... I thought I would bawl like a baby, but I didn't. I had what felt like a basketball in my throat when Chief had us stand at attention and I looked into his face, seeing the same thing I was feeling, sad-happiness. A bitter-sweet emotion that comes from one wanting and not wanting to do something at the same time. For me, it's graduating and growing up. Not a single tear ran down my face tonight, but I drive home and sit at home having no motivation to do anything except type my emotions. Like Cullen said, I love you all, and always will. I'm bringing the senior pics and a pen for yearbooks tomorrow. Life after high school will be tough without all my friends by my side. I love you guys.....